A Godless Fundamentalist Revisited 10 Years Later

by John Ellis

It’s been 10 years since I began writing the first version of ‘A Godless Fundamentalist.’ It’s been 5 years since Crossway considered publishing it.

At the time, over the 5 years as I spent writing, editing, rewriting, and editing some more, my objective acted as a framing mechanism calling me to downplay the negatives of Christian fundamentalism. My objective was primarily twofold: 1. To serve as an encouragement to parents with adult children or those with brothers, sisters, and friends who have rejected Jesus. 2. To present a narrative of grace to those who have rejected Jesus. As I wrote in the introduction, “I will not be flaming my upbringing.” But I also wrote in that introduction about standing in the hallway of my alma mater (a Christian school in Milton, FL) and reading the names of my peers who had graduated from that school during my time there. As I confessed in the intro, it was heartbreaking to read the names of old friends who are broken, hurting, and rejecting Jesus. And there are many names on that wall that fall into that category. A staggering percentage of names that would undermine the school’s marketing. So, I also wrote, “neither will this book be an unabashed apologetic for my upbringing. … the fact remains that the IFB movement does have serious errors and sins that need to be confronted. It’s a system that’s a petri dish for the growth of abuse. My friends who are still hurting are owed a voice, too.”

Being that voice for my hurting classmates and friends while adhering to my objectives was challenging. One that I struggled to find a balance for. I have an unpublished version that comes closer to finding that balance, I think, but still needs a lot more work. The Crossway acquisitions editor I was working with pushed me to write a more overtly anti-IFB book than I was comfortable with at the time. Attempting to keep him happy while not compromising my vision/objectives was tough. The first several chapters of the version on my blog were my attempts to reconcile that tension and create something that both he and I were happy with. Since we only worked on a few of the chapters together before the publication committee said “no,” I believe the version on my blog actually reads like 2 different books.

Anyway, a lot has happened in the interim. A lot. There are times when I contemplate taking it down because it still receives quite a bit of traffic and I’m no longer happy with it. But I keep bumping up against the value of my two initial objectives, and so I’ve left it up (for now). Without any chance of it every being published (after Crossway, I knocked on the door of dozens of Christian publishing houses), I’ve had little incentive to rewrite it even though I’ve become increasingly unhappy with my voice in it.

I say all that to say this: I recently received word about a new level of brokenness and despair plaguing someone I cared about in high school and still care about. The news didn’t surprise me but shook me anyway. Knowing this individual’s story and having had a front row seat to how the fundamentalism of our school played a large role in writing a negative story for this person causes me to wish that I could tell that story. It’s not mine, though, so I can’t. But it’s a story about a fundamentalist kid that’s more normative than my story is. I’m an outlier in a lot of ways.

In ‘A Godless Fundamentalist’ I praised the heart and motives of many of my authority figures. I have no intention of denying those good intentions and the love I felt because they were real and the Holy Spirit graciously used them to eventually break my heart of stone. But all the good intentions in the world don’t inoculate people from the moral responsibility derived from the ravages caused by the system.   

Christian fundamentalism is toxic and produces much harm. Just because the Holy Spirit saw fit to use aspects of it for good in my life and the lives of others doesn’t exonerate the movement. Today, my heart is heavy for my friend, and others, who carry heavy, painful burdens they should’ve never been given to carry. Fundamentalism is the antithesis to Jesus’ gentle call to those who are weary and heavy laden. Jesus carries burdens, he doesn’t weigh his people down with more. The burdens fundamentalism gave my friend have crushed him. I can only pray that the Holy Spirit lifts them off him so that he can see Jesus. I also pray that the Holy Spirit will bring repentance to the authority figures of my youth who are going to leave behind a legacy of image bearers crushed by the burdens they forced them to carry.